Sunday, July 13, 2008
Pre-birthday musings
So, here I am a couple days away from the celebration of the day I was born ....... 38 years ago! I'm in a reflective mood today so here are my thoughts.
I've realised that I'm a far more confident, happy person now than I was years ago (by that I mean teens and early twenties). The early part of my teenage years were pretty much ruined by my mothers incredible jealousy and sniping towards me. The last part were ruined by my father sodding off (although I can't actually blame him now tbh) and me being left with my stupid, out-of-her-face mother who sat in bed all day shredding wedding photos and popping pills. She played out the slightly "Miss Haversham" role wonderfully and, to my knowledge, probably still does.
Her biggest sin at the time was not weeping and wailing over the loss of her husband (although had she been a better wife in the first place, she might not have lost him) but the fact that she failed to remember that she was the mother of 3 children - one of those children was only 10 years old at the time. His care, for the most part, fell on the shoulders of his 17 year old sister. Me. So, that time when I should have been out with my friends, shopping, and just having a typical "teenagery" time were spent making sure he was ok. Ironing his schoolclothes, giving him money for his lunches, taking him into town and taking him in to work with me on a Saturday because he was so terrified of being left alone with her. Looking back on it now, it all seems a bit unbelievable.
In the early part of my twenties I married for the first time, largely as a means of getting away from my mother, only it didn't quite work out right because he turned out to be an alcoholic wife beater. Regular readers will have picked up enough sippets about that particular sorry part of my life for me to not have to go into details here again.
So, now.
I've had enough years with a decent, loving man to have finally started to put the rubbish in the bin and actually start living. Most of the time I can look at myself squarely in the mirror and say "actually, you're not too bad at all" and mean it. Having kids with Tim has allowed me to concentrate fully on giving them the best life they could pretty much have - filled with happiness .... like one long endless summer holiday. No, it's not all perfect but it's as bloody perfect as I can possibly make it.
Even fairly recent events .... over the last few months ..... have actually worked out good for me. Amazing, how certain things bring other things to a head. I'm a better person now - less likely to fly off the handle or read too much into stuff or take things personally. I still get wildly angry when I read what some people (particularly women) write in their blogs - I especially can't stand women who pick their husbands to bits - you know the sort of thing "Oooo! he's such a typical man" or "I didn't ask him to do such and such because he'd screw it up ... huh! typical!" Stuff like that. It really gets my back up because there is NO need for it and these people fail to see that, very often, it's their husband (or boyfriend) going out to work that allows THEM to stay at home and look after/homeschool their kids. Their bloke goes out and works his butt off and then they (the woman) gets on her blog and says "god you wouldn't believe it ... that idiot husband of mine forgot to post a letter for me! Honestly, I can't rely on him for ANYTHING" (and yes, I've actually seen that written and plenty of other similar things like it.)
Of course, this brings me on to Tim. No, he's not perfect (are any of us?) BUT he works bloody hard, is a good dad, a loving husband and wonderful company. I wouldn't dream of getting on here and slagging him off to the whole world. In fact, I wouldn't slag him off anywhere - I wouldn't do it because I know how much he does so that I can stay home with my kids.
So, I'm happier. I've calmed down. I'm more focused. I can look at myself (most days) and actually like what I see. I appreciate what I have. I've learned to handle problems in a slightly less dramatic, over the top fashion. I've learned that some relationships are not worth holding on to no matter how painful ending them may be (my mother and certain former friends for example) and that my life is better without them. I've learned that some relationships are definately worth holding on to ... my husband - no, his hair isn't as short as I'd like and the only time I've seen him in a suit was our wedding day and he is bloody, utterly gorgeous in a suit *sigh* and he does have a tendency to prefer his bed to getting up but he's still totally wonderful ...... my kids - those cute sproglets that were a complete surprise to me because I didn't think I'd have them and now I want nothing more than to do as Rudolf Steiner suggests .....
Receive the child with gratitude
Educate them with love
Let them go forth in freedom
My god! Maybe after 38 years I'm finally grown up! *laughs* Ok, I'm grown up in the important ways but I'm still very, very capable of being silly and having girly moods over stupid things (which often result in Tim giving me raspberries on the belly!) and giggling hysterically (and usually to Tim's utter incomprehension) over the most ridiculous things and getting waaay over excited at Christmas (and birthdays!). I think these are good things and things worth holding on to no matter how old you get.
I LIKE being this age and I'm happier to be where I am now than where I was a few years ago.
I've rambled enough. On with the day.
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